


One Day in Orochimaru's Lair

by Noble_SOUL



Category: Naruto
Genre: Ambushes and Sneak Attacks, Anger, Ants, Arguing, Awkward Conversations, Candy, Chaptered, Conspiracy Theories, Dysfunctional Family, Embarrassment, First Meetings, Gender Issues, Harassment, Hiding, Human Experimentation, Humor, Interviews, Issues, M/M, Minions, Minor Character Death, Mischief, Moving, Ninja, Non-Chronological, Nonsense, Original Character(s), Other, Out of Character, Parody, Perversion, Randomness, Sexual Humor, Shounen-ai, Surprises, Temper Tantrums, Uchiha Sasuke Being an Asshole, Valentine's Day, Villains, White Day
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-31
Updated: 2016-09-10
Packaged: 2018-02-23 09:35:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 12,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2542874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Noble_SOUL/pseuds/Noble_SOUL
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Collection of one-shots featuring days in the lives of Orochimaru, Kabuto, & Sasuke (after joining Orochimaru). Each chapter has own summary. Bounces around in time from chapter to chapter but I will provide a timeline reference.<br/>References and Implications to male/male relationships and/or situations.</p>
<p>Selected summaries:<br/>Ch 1 - What happens when minions overhear Orochimaru arguing? A certain apprentice is embarrassed and his reputation takes a humorous hit.<br/>Ch 3 - Orochimaru is bored so he decides it is time to relocate to another lair.<br/>Ch 5 - Minions stumble onto an embarrassing fight over Sasuke between Orochimaru and Kabuto, but is all what it appears to be?<br/>Ch 7 - Valentine's Day Special<br/>Ch 11 - Sasuke fends off an invasion of sorts<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Who's Your Daddy?

**Author's Note:**

> Author's Note: Inspired by a random conversation with fanfiction author Arabella Cauwell and a movie I was watching relatively around the same time. Eventually I want to find a way to tie this event to the main story I'm working on right now (Konoha is an Interesting Place: Chino's Story) since Orochimaru and Sauke are two of only a few main characters that haven't made an appearance in that story yet.  
> Feel free to read that story too. The comedy in that story is similar in style to how I wrote this one.
> 
> Time check: This particular day happens sometime during the timeskip between the original Naruto episodes and the beginning of Shippuden.
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or any of the characters. Except maybe the minions since I made them up.

 

Some random minion walked past Orochimaru's room and overheard Orochimaru and Kabuto arguing. Apparently they were arguing over Sasuke's training and Orochimaru's health. To the minion they sounded like an old married couple. The way they talked about Sasuke you would think he was their son.

Not that Orochimaru and Kabuto knew this but, a few of the minions who had overheard other previous arguments had started referring to them as "Mommy" and "Daddy". There were still arguments over which one of them was the mommy and which one was the daddy. Most votes were leaning in favor of Orochimaru as Daddy.

The random minion soon came across some of his fellow random and equally unimportant minions. This random minion decided to announce "Guess what!" to which said minion received stares indicating the company would rather the minion just come out and say it already. Getting the hint that nobody planned on guessing the announcement was continued. "Mommy and Daddy are fighting again. It sounds worse than usual this time."

It just so happens that in that same moment Sasuke was heading toward Orochimaru's room. As he was walking past the group of minions he overheard the announcement. " _ **Again**!_ " Sasuke shouted suddenly, startling the collective group of minions. After the initial shock, hearing Sasuke, all heads turned toward him as he started to run off to stop Orochimaru and Kabuto's arguing.

He didn't get very far before he turned around and glared at the minions before him. "Did you hear anything just now?" he questioned a little embarrassed but trying not to show it.

All at once the group of the minions shot up, stood straight, and threw their hands to their sides. Then in perfect synch they all shouted at once without making eye contact, " **No sir**! We didn't hear you confirm you think of Lord Orochimaru and Kabuto as your parents **sir**!"

" **Good** **!** " Sasuke shouted back nervously. Before he turned to leave Sasuke regained his composure and added " **And you better keep quiet** " threateningly. He then huffed and stormed off. _Must remember to kill them all later before that gets out_ , Sasuke thought to himself as he got ready to break up yet another argument.

As soon as Sasuke was out of sight, and earshot, one of the random minions blurted out "That was weird".

Another stated, "I knew those two were gay".

A third minion said "Maybe we should of just asked him which one he calls Daddy?"

A fourth minion stared at the third with an annoyed look. "Great idea, then he would've killed us instead of answering".

To their relief Sasuke never did get around to killing them. Instead, much to the Uchiha's embarrassment, Orochimaru held a staff meeting later that day in order to confirm who is Sasuke's "Daddy".

 


	2. Sound Village Orientation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is mainly Kabuto centric but Orochimaru appears at the end. Kabuto's in charge of running the Sound Village Orientation for a group of idiots.
> 
> Time check: This story happened prior to when Sasuke joined, sometime during the early years of the Sound Village. This means no Sasuke this time. Sorry Sasuke fans but he will return by the next chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: This is the next story from a series of short stories following the original idea for the story back when it was going to be a one shot: what happens on any given day at any of Orochimaru's Lairs?  
> I would also like to point out that there is absolutely no real timeline of events for this story. Each chapter will jump around in terms of when it happened.
> 
> Chapter inspired by my Brother's dealings with idiotic young coworkers when he was in charge of staff meetings at a summer camp.

 

One day at the headquarters of the Village Hidden in the Sound, Kabuto had been left in charge of the orientation meeting for the new recruits. "Hello and Welcome fellow shinobi. As of this day, you will swear allegiance to Lord Orochimaru and begin your training as members of the Village Hidden in the Sound." Kabuto then paused in his greeting while he waited for the applause and cheers of the new recruits to die down. "Now than, before you all take your oaths, does anyone have any questions?"

Kabuto didn't actually want to answer any questions, but since it was required standard procedure he didn't have much of a choice. ' _Rules are rules, even pointless ones_ ,' he thought bitterly. Just as he was preparing to say "moving on", and begin the oath, a very large and rather tall shinobi with dark hair near the back of the room raised his hand. "Yes, in the back."

In a gravelly voice the man spoke up. "What kind of Sound **are** we hidden in _exactly_?"

Kabuto was completely thrown off. " **HUH** **?** "

"Well", the man continued, "this is named the Village _Hidden_ in the _Sound,_ so I wanted to know what sound we were hidden in. You know … like what the Village was named after."

Kabuto tried his best to control his reflex to hit his head with his hand. "What kind of question is that? Does it really matter what sound?"

"I guess not" the big man replied weakly.

"Hey! Shouldn't we know what our new Village is named after?" the first man's friend, a short bald man asked defiantly. Kabuto had to admit he had a point there and he better give them some kind of answer, in order to get away from this topic. "It wasn't named after any sound in particular that I am aware of. _**Satisfied**?" _ The shorter man just stared at Kabuto clearly not satisfied with the answer.

Another man, this time in the front of the room, picked up where the others left off. "What sounds are mainly heard in this area? It must have been one of those right?"

' _Why won't they just drop it_ ,' Kabuto cursed silently in his head. It was getting harder for him to control himself, so he started yelling. " _Look_ , there are **a lot** of sounds in this area. I **don't** _memorize_ them. Just go outside, listen, pick any one, pick your favorite, whatever, and that's it. You all don't even have to pick the same one. I don't care if it's the _**sound of a flushing toilet**_ at this point! It _doesn't matter,_ as long as you **stop** talking about it!"

At that moment a bunch of people in the crowd started to get up and leave. " _ **Hey**_ where do you all think you're going? We are **NOT** done here!" Kabuto shouted.

"You said to go listen for sounds outside" a young kunoichi who had remained seated offered in explanation.

"I didn't mean right now you idiots! Get back in here! There will be plenty of time for that later - _when_ we are **finished**." By now, Kabuto wasn't sure how much more of this stupidity he could take. "Now that you're all back, are there any more questions?" Kabuto let out while fearing the answer was yes.

Another kunoichi, this one older than the first, with long red hair spoke up."At the risk of potentially sounding stupid…." She hesitated before continuing, "Just how exactly does one hide something in a sound?" Before Kabuto could answer just about every shinobi in the crowded room started discussing ways to hide something in a sound, and what that even means.

Kabuto was near his breaking point. He picked up his clipboard, turned his back to the collective group of idiots, and repeatedly hit his head with the aforementioned clipboard. When he was finished, about 10 minutes later, Kabuto turned around and drew in a deep breath. "Alright that's **enough!** _Turn around, face me, and_ _ **SHUT UP**!" _ Kabuto screamed in frustration. Quickly everyone assembled did just that.

"Now, so we can finally be done with this ….. Does anyone else have any questions?" After quickly scanning the crowd he added, " **Not** about the name of the Village." All but one hand went down. "Good. This will be the last question then. Go ahead." ' _This better not be a stupid question_ ,' he mentally hoped.

"This Village uses a music note for its symbol right?" the young male asked cautiously.

"Yes, why do you ask?"

"You're headband has a different symbol" the boy said while pointing in the direction of Kabuto's head. It never occurred to Kabuto that he had forgotten to switch his forehead protector before leaving for the meeting.

"Oh, this?" Kabuto asked while motioning toward the symbol. "That's the Leaf Village symbol. I just got back from a mission. I guess I forgot to mention I'm a spy." As soon as Kabuto finished his explanation the whole room tensed. Before he could blink, Kabuto found himself dodging a volley of kunai ( _in a rather comical way I might add_ ). " **For the _Sound_ Village! I'm a spy for the _Sound_ Village. Will you idiots stop that and let me explain**." Although those in the back of the room couldn't hear Kabuto's shouts (or get a decent shot at him), they took their cues from those who could and soon Kabuto no longer had to fear for his life. For the moment anyway.

"How could you all be so **stupid**? I'm _pretending_ to be a Leaf shinobi so I can _report_ on the village to Lord Orochimaru. Do **I** look like some kind of idiot that would _blatantly_ tell the enemy I'm spying on **them**? You know what, _**don't**_ answer that. It was a rhetorical question." Kabuto sighed as another person raised their hand. " _ **Now What**?" _ Kabuto screamed since he was completely pissed off and on the verge of killing the lot of them personally.

"What's a rhetorical question?"

"A question **nobody** is meant to answer," Kabuto responded through gritted teeth.

"Why ask a question if nobody can answer it?" someone shouted from somewhere in the room. Kabuto grew very quiet and glared at the crowd in front of him. He silently walked over to the nearest already initiated Sound ninja and handed over the clipboard.

" **Here** " he said angrily while thrusting the clipboard at said ninja. " _You're_ in charge of this meeting now. Have them repeat the oath  _after_ you and _then_ march them down to **the Pit** " Kabuto ordered before storming out.

He went right to the area where Orochimaru was currently finishing one of his latest experiments. "How did the meeting go?" Orochimaru questioned without looking up from his work.

"I have **never** seen a larger group of _total idiots_ packed into one room in **all** my life. They must be the **most** _incompetent assemblage_ of new recruits we have _ever_ brought here. _EVER_." Kabuto placed extra emphasis on the second ever. "If they are that useless just kill them and stop complaining" Orochimaru half suggested, half commanded.

"Can some of them be used for test subjects?" Kabuto queried.

"Did some of them **anger** you enough to earn such an _honor_?" Kabuto looked right at his lord and former Leaf Sannin as he asked the question.

" _You have_ _ **No**_ _idea_." He started to leave his lord alone to finish his work, but then Kabuto turned around. "Orochimaru-sama, how **do** you _hide_ something in a sound?"

Without really listening to the question Orochimaru answered with " _Skillfully_ ".

" _Huh_?" Kabuto blurted out confusedly.

"What?" the Sanin said back.

"Never mind" Kabuto whispered.

" **Good**. And  _don't_ come back unless you plan on telling me dinner's ready."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you like this story please feel free to tell me so. I appreciate the feedback.


	3. Thanks [For Nothing]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summary: Orochimaru is bored so he decides it is time to relocate to another lair.
> 
> Time check: Sometime during the first 4 to 8 months.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: I'm welcome to taking ideas for future chapters. If you have any suggestions or a particular scenario you would like to see leave it in the comment section.

 

Orochimaru walked boldly into the dining area where Sasuke and Kabuto were sitting.

"I have an announcement to make."

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Now what?"

"I have decided that today we will be moving to the other Lair we have in this area."

"Other Lair, my Lord?" Kabuto questioned

"You know _that_ Lair. The **super** _secret_ one."

"Oh _that_ Lair. How could I ever have forgotten _that_ Lair. I will make the necessary preparations at once."

"We're seriously moving again? This makes the third time in four weeks." Sasuke huffed.

"Don't worry this will be the last time for a while now."

' _Sure it will'_ , Sasuke thought bitterly.

"I bet it's just another useless hole in the ground". Sasuke whined.

"You'll see when we get there. We'll leave in an hour."

After about a day of constant running the group of three ninjas reached what looked like a tremendous hole in the ground.

"I can't believe it. It IS a hole in the ground!" Sasuke stammered.

Kabuto turned to Sasuke and smiled.

"It's not a hole in the ground. It's a crater."

"And not just any crater," Orochimaru added, "But a crater with a secret hidden tunnel at the bottom connecting it to yet another crater."

"Welcome to your new home Sasuke-kun!" both Orochimaru and Kabuto said together.

"Thanks" Sasuke grumbled sarcastically.

"I think I've changed my mind. Can we move again?"

"Sorry Sasuke-kun but we'll be here for at least a week. Just make yourself as comfortable as possible."

' _Damn that Orochimaru. Only a snake could make himself comfortable in a tunnel inside a crater_.' Sasuke promptly decided to start a countdown of days until the supposed week when the group would be moving again. And by group I mean the three of them, alone, in a small cramped space. Unfortunately for Sasuke a week turned into two weeks and multiple uncomfortable situations.


	4. First Visit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is done at the request of a friend. The prompt she provided is the summary.
> 
> Summary: Sasuke and Kabuto on a trip through the Sound Village.
> 
> Time check: Near the end of the first 2 months after Sasuke joins Orochimaru.

 

Sasuke Uchiha had officially joined Orochimaru's forces two months ago after being taken from Konoha by the Sound Ninja 4/5. The former Leaf ninja still wasn't sure if the pale guy really was the leader of the people he was introduced to as the Sound Ninja 4. Of course if the fifth member truly had been out of commission for a long time the group couldn't call themselves the Sound Ninja 5 with only 4 people. Either way it didn't matter since the word was the whole group had died that day. It was also very apparent that only the possible leader was the only one his new master cared about. Within a week of his coming to Orochimaru's Lair, Sasuke spotted a picture of the man Kabuto had told him was meant to be the Sanin's vessel if the Leaf Genin had not joined them. None of the other Sound Ninja special unit seemed to be remembered and certainly not in a frame with what looked vaguely like a heart shaped design. Sasuke had shuttered at seeing the snake man blush and hide the picture of Kimimaro while assuring the boy he was only interested in his new apprentice's body now. The young Uchiha hoped Orochimaru meant solely as a new vessel.

Those whole two months Sasuke had not entered the Sound Village, but rather stayed in the Lair on the crest of a hill overlooking the valley where the Village Hidden in the Sound was located. Never did it cross Sasuke's mind to go to that place. Getting out of the Lair was something he did whenever he needed to escape from a creepier than usual Orochimaru or particularly agitated Kabuto. However, each time he left the Lair he did not have the desire to see what kind of person was crazy or desperate enough to join the Sound Village. Well one day at the end of the two months Sasuke felt like he no longer had the choice. That day there were two available options: 1 – Go help Kabuto with an errand that involved handing out something from the large boxes by the exit, OR 2 – Take some kind of body compatibility test to see if Sasuke was really a good candidate as a new vessel. Since Orochimaru wouldn't fully explain the second option this caused the former Leaf Genin decided it definitely wasn't something he would want to do when other alternatives were available.

So now Sasuke was on his way to the Sound Village, carrying a large box with the music note symbol of the Village and following closely behind Kabuto. Although he didn't trust this dark medic nin and hated how the older shinobi got to take the smaller of the two boxes, Sasuke would not be straying too far from this man's side. The last thing Sasuke needed right now would be to get lost in a village where he didn't know anyone and the other ninjas probably wanted to hurt or even kill him. Or worse, there could be fan girls with ear piercing shrieks of glee fueled by sound manipulating abilities. There were days when the Uchiha thought he would go deaf from the screeching of the Konoha fan girls and they kept their distance. Sasuke couldn't be guaranteed that the kunoichi of this village would stay back or that they couldn't make him deaf from still far away. Kabuto would probably watch in amusement if girls attacked him or fought over a piece of clothing they had managed to tear off the newcomer's body.

Initially Sasuke was relieved to see the ninjas were keeping their distance if they noticed him at all. A few of the shinobi called out to Kabuto or gave oral reports on the status of things concerning the Village. One ninja in particular came up to Sasuke's guide just to speak with the white-haired man. What the two shinobi started talking about first made the former Leaf Genin blush and try to hide behind the large box he was carrying. Then the boy's stomach started to churn and the Uchiha wished he had learned a sound jutsu capable of blocking out all sound. Overall, the conversation was bordering on traumatizing and Sasuke spent what felt like a very long time trying to get certain images out of mind.

Luckily for the uncomfortable Genin, Kabuto remembered the reason why he had come down to the Sound Village in the first place and dismissed the other shinobi. The pair of ninja walked on in awkward silence until they reached the center of the Village Hidden in the Sound. Now having arrived at their destination, the two shinobi dropped the boxes to the ground and opened them. Sasuke was instructed to hand out the contents of the boxes to any approaching ninja. Right after giving his partner orders Kabuto called out " **It's time**! All interested parties step forward!" Immediately shinobi rushed to the spot from all different places.

Just about the entire Village seemed to be showing up. As this was happening Sasuke was trying very hard to use the wall behind him and the box in front of him as barriers against the oncoming crazies. Many shinobi also started to get Sasuke to watch them perform a jutsu or ask him questions. Soon he was being pulled and spun around constantly in all directions. Everyone seemed to be competing for his attention and this was more than Sasuke could handle. To top it off most of the competitors were full grown men and the boy was considering what was worse, crazed fan girls or deranged Sound ninja. Kabuto knew for a fact Sasuke had been mobbed by fan girls before when he was in Konoha and hated every second of those experiences, but he didn't think any of those encounters were anything quite like this. The former spy enjoyed Sasuke's discomfort until a full scale battle was on the verge of breaking out.

" **Alright, back it up**! There will be plenty of time for that later. You all should know the plan by now so it's about time you **all** started following it. When you have completed Part 1 _in its entirety_ then you can get in position for Part 2. If you already have your packet **clear out** and _get started_ already!"

Instantly the crowd began to disperse as a few stragglers collected their papers. A disheveled Sasuke slid down the wall, slowly lowering himself to the ground. His arms were numb, there were tears in his clothes, scratches and bruises could be seen on his limbs, a shoe was missing, and his hair was an absolute mess. Kabuto tried to stifle his laughter at the sight of a post-trampling Uchiha. From his seated yet slumped over position in a small voice Kabuto could barely hear, Sasuke was asking to return to the Lair. Unfortunately the pair could not return yet.

"Why not? Haven't I been through enough for one day? I'm missing a shoe and I look like I escaped from a pack of rabid animals."

"Sorry Sasuke-kun. We can't leave until after Part 2 is finished."

Angrily kicking the box he had carried Sasuke watched as one of the remaining packets fell out. Carefully the young shinobi read what was printed on the cover: Part 1: Questionnaire. 'A questionnaire? Surely this is some kind of joke,' Sasuke thought bitterly. It appeared to be he had survived an onslaught of psycho sound nin for a pointless reason.

"We'd better hurry. We're in charge of overseeing Part 2."

Kabuto dragged a protesting Sasuke to his feet while listening to complaints about having to be involved.

"If you haven't noticed by now why you in particular must be involved this will surely be an interesting shock …. I mean surprise. And don't worry about your appearance. I brought along a change of clothes, complete with shoes, in addition to everything you'll need to fix your hair."

Sasuke was totally confused. Obviously he missed something somewhere between when he left this morning and this exact moment. The wicked smirk on Kabuto's face was a pretty good indication that the day would turn from bad to worse.

In a few moments Sasuke's prediction was proven correct. Since he was too busy watching all the Sound shinobi within sight from the time he entered the Village until he reached the building where Part 2 of the infuriating mystery mission would commence Sasuke had missed something; a great multitude of the exact same something to be exact, which Kabuto had plastered all over the walls of the buildings in the surrounding area.

" _ **What the HELL is** **this** **!"**_ Sasuke demanded in a rage.

"Too late to back out now, _we're already here_." Kabuto shouted in response as he pushed Sasuke past the heavy wooden door.

What Sasuke saw was a blown copy of a poster. In extra large letters printed across the top the poster had _We Want You for the new Sound Ninja 4_! Dead center was an embarrassing illustration of Sasuke as the recruitment spokesperson pointing out to the readers, beckoning them to join. With the way the version of him on the paper was dressed he could have been a dead ringer for an Orochimaru mini me if the illustrator had painted his face white and added some makeup. Running across the bottom was the date and time in addition to the name of the building Sasuke was currently locked into thanks to the sealing jutsu on the door and the area of the floor he was currently occupying.

Now the Uchiha was stuck wearing the same damn outfit from the poster in a chair he was almost sealed to. He was also forced to being subjected to watching would be candidates explain why they should be chosen as part of the next group of Sound Ninja 4. Then the shinobi demonstrated some of their jutsu to prove their strength. The contest dragged on for hours and Sasuke felt like he was stuck in a bad reality show. He would have preferred them to just fight it out and the last 4 standing got the job. Instead the former Leaf Genin was stuck taking notes on what the contestants said and did before reading the surveys every participant handed in.

Not all of the candidates were any good. Sasuke was almost blown up or sliced to pieces by backfiring jutsu. Some people froze onstage, unable to anything, causing the next person to have to throw those unfortunates off the stage. One such person was thrown at Sasuke and landed in his lap. He couldn't push the big man off fast enough much to Kabuto's amusement. Kunai, shuriken, and other projectiles kept landing dangerously close to Sasuke's body, especially places he never wanted hit. A few of the kunoichi even tried flirting with Sasuke and offering favors only they could provide a man should he choose them. One person was particularly forceful and almost had to be escorted out of the building. This person was quite attractive and drew Sasuke's attention. There weren't many as beautiful as this person back in Konoha.

"He really seems fascinated with you Sasuke-kun. You must be special; he normally doesn't take any interest in other people."

" _ **HE**?"_ Sasuke sputtered as he choked on the tea he was drinking.

Now Sasuke didn't know what to think. As much as he wanted to believe Kabuto was just messing with him because he likes torturing people there was a chance it was the truth. Nowhere in the five great nations did a law exist that male shinobi couldn't dress and act like women. Rumors of people like that circulated around Konoha when Sasuke was starting to go out on missions. At first he had thought Haku was a girl when Sasuke met him on one of his first real missions. More than ever Sasuke wanted to get out of the Sound Village and never come back.

Only a few more contestants were left but Sasuke was no longer paying attention. He was totally focused on pretending this day never happened. It was all a strange dream and he would wake up any minute now. When he woke up the next he had convinced himself it was a dream. One he never wanted to repeat. Orochimaru bursted that bubble at breakfast when he accused him of betraying his trust by flirting with a tranny and therefore deserved to be punished. This was going to be a long apprenticeship, especially if Orochimaru had a good memory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: I'm considering a follow-up to this chapter. If there's interest for it I'll write. Otherwise I'll work on other topics.


	5. Research Mishaps (Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Minions stumble onto an embarrassing fight over Sasuke between Orochimaru and Kabuto, but is all what it appears to be?
> 
> Time Check: Sometime near the end of the first year of Sasuke's stay with Orochimaru.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (O) is Orochimaru talking, (K) is Kabuto talking, and (S) is Sasuke talking

 

"Hey everyone, you **have** to come see _this_!" shouted a very out of breath ninja.

A loud clamor of chairs and people being knocked out of the way echoed as the statement was completed. Anyone unfortunate enough to be walking in the hall had to dive into the nearest doorway so that individual wouldn't be trampled by the stampede of minions barreling through. The group skidded to a stop just outside the entrance to the site of Kabuto's laboratory and research laboratory for this hideout. Through the slightly ajar solid steel door, the minions peered inside and were confused by the sight before them.

In a room that looked like a tornado or hurricane had torn through, there in the dead center of the disaster zone was Kabuto, Sasuke, and Orochimaru. All three shinobi's clothes were in varying degrees of shambles and states of dress/undress. Sasuke was the worst off and the most puzzling to figure out. He looked shocked, nervous, and majorly ticked off all at the same time. Kabuto was on a near psychotic level of anger which seemed to be targeted at the other two but no one could confirm this at the moment. Orochimaru was clearly furious and jealous.

(O) "No **MINE**!"

(K) "MINE."

(O) "I need him!

(K) "Well I _need_ him more!"

(O) "I saw him **First**!"

(K) "So what?"

(O) "We still have research to conduct."

(K) "But mine _can't_ wait!"

And the bickering continued in a similar fashion for several moments. Sasuke was being tugged back and forth between the men by his arms rather forcefully. As neither person ('person' being a relative term in one's case) was gaining any ground pulling with their own arms they both decided this wasn't enough. Snakes crawled out from Orochimaru's sleeves and wrapped around Sasuke's shoulder and upper torso. So as not to lose to his master, Kabuto took the risk of loosening his grip enough to send out chakra strings to entangle the Uchiha's legs. The younger ninja freaked out as the passing vision of his body being accidently torn in half crossed his mind.

(S) "Let go of me you deranged freaks! I'm not some toy you know. If I get torn apart you can't just sew me back together and pretend everything's OK!"

"Like hell I can't!" Kabuto shouted back.

(O) "Don't even think about that kind of experiment Kabuto you fool. I need his body intact. Release him now. That's an order!"

"With all due respect Orochimaru-sama, I refuse! He owes me in a very time sensitive manner. Wait to play with him after I'm done."

(S) "What part of I'm _NOT_ a toy do you psychos not get? Nobody is going to play with me like some kind of doll. Last warning before I resort to something drastic!"

Sasuke's threat was totally ignored and the two older ninja continued to envelop him in chakra strings and snakes. The snakes started to bypass what was left of Sasuke's outfit and cause the Uchiha to panic ever more from worrying where the reptiles would end up over his body. All of the minions were in shock while the trio spiraled into an increasingly compromising and obscene spectacle.

"I know Orochimaru-sama has some creepy attachment to the boy but I didn't think Kabuto-san did to," a male minion commented.

"Same here, I thought the medic-nin had declared him as an enemy or rival or something. He's never shown interest in him before. I wonder what caused this?" a female minion added.

"Think we should help the brat or calm the masters down?" someone asked.

"I for one am not picking sides in the event the other party tries to kill me in my sleep," an older minion declared.

"We could just wait here until someone calls for back up and make up a cover story later. All in favor?" a young kunoichi suggested.

Somewhere around ¾ of the assembled minions agreed to this plan and continued watching. Those who didn't agree either wandered away so they couldn't be in trouble for being a party to spying on their leaders or were restrained by the masses less in their effort to aid someone the group as a whole be captured and punished. True to his word, Sasuke tried something desperate as a last resort. Both older ninja yelped as Sasuke somehow managed to use a fire style jutsu and light up not only the snakes and chakra strings but also his remaining clothes. Too angry to notice he was naked, the Uchiha picked up random pieces of debris and started flinging them at both of his attackers. Female and gay minions alike tried not to swoon at the sight of nude Sasuke fighting wildly. Finally, they all tried to take cover as Sasuke grabbed a tattered sheet from an overturned operating table. He proceeded to attempt to cover himself and bolt for the door. Everyone watched as the tunnel visioned boy streaked down the hallway, ass showing through a hole in the sheet.

Orochimaru quickly raced out after the boy screaming, "This changes nothing. When I catch up to you we will resume training with or without clothes!"

(K) "Damn you both! Look at my lab and my poor, poor research. Weeks of work ruined in an instant. Sasuke I will catch up to you and get what I'm owed. This is not the end you hear me!"

Kabuto wasn't as fast Orochimaru so he took some time to think about where Sasuke would run to. There was no use in trying to outrun Orochimaru so out strategize him was Kabuto's best chance. Currently his lord wasn't thinking clearly and now that he had calmed down some he had a slim chance of getting to his prey before the snake man. As he left the ruined room, Kabuto noticed one of the straggling minions who were trying to put distance between themselves and the room now that the spectacle was finished.

(K) "You there, gather some people together and start cleaning that place up. And don't think I wasn't aware there were people outside the door. I could sense all your chakra and if you expect to avoid punishment you'll do the best damn clean up job of your pathetic lives. And no disturbing the live test subject who should still be alive in there somewhere."

Seeing no way out of trouble the minion agreed and motioned for the others who up until then were trying to escape to come and help him. The group hesitantly started picking up the debris and leaving the mess in a corner to be taken care of later. Most of the minions had no idea what kind of things went on in here but they knew it wasn't anything good. Any of the shattered vials could be potentially dangerous and the idea of a live test subject lurking out of sight put them all on edge. Who could say if the thing wouldn't jump out and kill or eat them.

"Ahh! Shit someone get over here. Something's grabbed me!" a startled minion begged and pleaded, hoping someone would care enough to see what it was.

"Woah is that the test subject?!"

"Who the hell cares, just get it off me already!"

"Help me," came a strangled low voice from under the rebel.

"It can speak! Must be human," pointed out an older minion.

"Stop discussing it and do something! My leg hurts."

Curiosity got the better of about 5 minions and they pulled the ruble off the thing trapped beneath it and then preceded to pry the hand off their comrade's leg. A few gasped when they recognized who or now what was discovered. It was one of their fellow minions who everyone thought had died a few months ago while on patrol. Obviously they were misinformed. The test subject thanked them and had enough their own memories still intact to tell his friends he was glad to see them again.

"You wouldn't by any chance know what the hell happened in here would you?" a kunoichi questioned her former minion companion.

"Actually I do. I had a clear few until that stuff fell on me. And I could still see most of it through the cracks in the debris. You want to know what was going on?"

"Would I ask if I didn't give a damn?" the same kunoichi said with an annoyed tone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 2 in next chapter


	6. Research Mishaps (Part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The experiment describes what happened to cause the Sasuke tug-of-war between Kabuto and Orochimaru.

 

The creature then recounted what happened before the still human minions had arrived.

**FLASHBACK**

Sasuke had been bugging Orochimaru for a week to get his sensei to teach him some new jutsu or other useful technique. By the time the snake man complied, the raven haired youth wished he had been a little more specific in his request. Orochimaru decided the appropriate thing to instruct him in was how to aid in creating a new snake related jutsu. Not what Sasuke had in mind to say the least. Then there was the request for him to strip before the lesson could begin. Suspecting the kind of snake Orochimaru planned to use was not the scaly, hissing kind Sasuke bailed on the so-called "training session" as quickly as could. Training of that sort certainly would not help in defeating his brother so he wanted part in it.

He had tried to find somewhere he could hide where the perv wouldn't find him. They hadn't occupied this lair for very long, and it was very expansive, so Sasuke soon found himself to be lost. Completely and utterly lost and too prideful to ask a minion for directions, the boy started opening doors at random. After about 15 minutes of this he stumbled across Kabuto's lab/research library. Kabuto didn't appear to be in the room so Sasuke took this opportunity to search around. This would be the bad decision which eventually led to the scene the others had witnessed not long ago.

Sasuke wandered around the room trying not to touch anything for fear of Kabuto's wrath. For the most part he succeeded. His success was short lived though. One of the operating tables had a body on it and near this table was some kind of chemistry style set up. From the looks of things Kabuto had been in the middle of some kind of experiment and documenting the results on nearby scrolls. Or the scrolls were texts used for reference, Sasuke couldn't tell the difference and he wasn't about to read them to find out. He couldn't care less about the scrolls but he was intrigued by the corpse.

Sasuke quietly crept over to the table and pulled back the sheet. He was shocked to discover he thought he recognized the corpse. It looked like an older Chunin he remembered seeing around Konoha before he defected. _'I will never understand that man's fascination with playing with corpses if they were dolls,'_ thought Sasuke wearily. Just as he turned to walk away the arm of the corpse twitched violently upward and hit the boy on his butt. The young shinobi was more frightened then he would ever admit and launched himself back away from the body and half spun around mid-leap so as to face the thing. A very unmanly squeak of surprise had passed from lips in the process which seemed to disturb all manner of abominations in holding tanks around the lab.

Now Sasuke could barely control his own actions mid freak out as he saw what Kabuto had been doing in here all week. His flailing knocked over some of the vials and test tubes and they spilled all over the scrolls and furniture in the immediate area. Much to the ninja's surprise the mixing of the liquids created a chemical reaction resulting in the scrolls catching fire. Quickly Sasuke raced around the room trying to find some water to put out the fire before it could spread. Unfortunately whatever container he picked up was full of an alcohol based substance which in his panic Sasuke thought was water. The fire, fueled by the alcohol, had gotten much worse.

Desperately the boy searched for something to smother or beat the fire out with, no longer trusting any liquid within reach. The first thing he tried to smother the fire with shot up in the air for who knows what reason. He then tried beating it with something and that caught fire causing him to fling it aside and light up a pile of rags. (Not that Sasuke noticed since his focus was on what was in front of him, not behind.) Beating the fire out seemed like a horrible plan so the Uchiha switched back to trying to smother the fire. Whatever he chose looked like it worked at first, but then his attention was drawn by the smell of smoke somewhere behind. Only now realizing he had lit another part of the lab on fire, Sasuke was no longer paying attention to the supposedly smothered fire in front of him. While he scrambled to find something to put the other fire out with the pressure began to build under the first object. When it couldn't take it anymore the thing exploded and sent everything flying all over the room, including Sasuke who was knocked off his feet with the force.

The explosion caught the attention of Kabuto who was returning to his lab, Orochimaru in tow complaining about how he couldn't locate his favorite (and only) student. Meanwhile Sasuke had recovered and gotten back on his feet. Now the lab was an utter mess with burning rubble and corpse bits strew all over. Then he remembered something about how when fighting forest fires there is a way to purposefully start a fire in such a way that it causes an approaching blaze to burn itself out. Or maybe it only redirected it; Sasuke wasn't really paying attention during the lesson because he thought it was a dumb idea to have shinobi's in charge of wild fire prevention. As he thought this over Kabuto burst through the door.

" **What the HELL happened to my lab!"**

Kabuto then raced over to one of the walls, opened up a panel, and flipped a switch. Something akin to fire sprinkler activated and doused the room and effectively putting out the blaze Sasuke started. The medic-nin was beside himself with anger.

Seething with rage he bellowed at Sasuke, " **YOU**! _You_ did this didn't you! All my research gone! Weeks and weeks of research for nothing! Everything's destroyed. Here me, **DES – TROY-ED**! If Orochimaru-sama wasn't dead set on needing your body …. I'd …. I'd _kill_ you! Kill you and use your corpse as a replacement for one I lost."

Sasuke tried to make a break for the door.

(K) "OH NO YOU DON'T _**Sasuke**_! You _will_ be helping gather new specimens and redo this research no matter what!"

At that Sasuke put more effort into escaping. Maybe if he hid long enough Kabuto would just kill off some of the more useless minions and recruit someone else to be his research aide. Not that he had the chance to test the theory as Orochimaru stuck his head in having doubled back at the sound of the name of his prey.

(O) "Did you say _Sasuke_? Is Sasuke here? Kabuto are you remodeling?"

_'Shit now I'm really trapped_ ,' thought Sasuke with agitation, _'How am I going to get past both of them?'_

(K) "Remodeling? You've got to be kidding! You're little brat destroyed the place and he's going to help me fix it!"

"But Kabuto we aren't finished our training yet," Orochimaru whined.

(K) "Finish it some other time. AFTER I have a functioning lab again."

"I'm not doing anything with _either_ one of you if I have something to say about it!" Sasuke protested.

Sasuke then attempted to get past both older ninja and failed miserably. Then he retreated back into a corner of lab hoping to draw them away from the door. Both men came at him and Sasuke started dodging their lunges for him. Running across rubble, jumping from furniture remnants, scaling shelving units, and weaving between fallen wires, Sasuke did everything he could to get away. Kabuto and Orochimaru were maneuvering all over the place too and all three at some point had thrown bits of things at each other as if they were ninja tools. What was left of the lab was falling into a worse state of disrepair. Somewhere along the way, clothes had been caught on things and torn or ripped free from someone's grasp. Soon enough the three made it to the center of the room and this is where Sasuke was captured. The older shinobi, each grabbing hold of one of Sasuke's arms started their tug of war which drew the attention of the passing minion. This minion saw his masters fighting over the Leaf runaway and ran off to tell the others.

**End Flashback**

"Aww man. I was hoping for a lovers' triangle. That would have made for better gossip," complained a female minion.

"To think a corpse got us into cleaning up the brat's mess," a taller male mused.

"You don't think any of us will be used as replacement research do you?" a second male asked with hesitation and fear.

"Better not. If he tries I'm recommending the most useless males I know as victims … I mean test subjects," a young kunoichi admitted.

That comment sparked an argument over who was the least useful around the lair and little cleaning actually was accomplished. Which made them have to work twice as hard later once Kabuto saw how much of the mess place still was by the time he came back.


	7. Chocolate [A Valentine's Day Special]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Early Valentine's Day Special! Kabuto has a special gift for Orochimaru.
> 
> Time check: Sasuke's first Valentine's Day with Orochimaru and company.

 

In the last few years Orochimaru had made it mandatory for his minions to present him with gifts on Valentine's Day, _whether they wanted to or not_. Most of the men complained about giving Valentine's gifts to a man, but in the end they would have done it anyway since their Lord Orochimaru was always in a good mood any day he received presents. The more presents he was given, the better a mood he was in so overall it was to everyone's benefit to participate.

Rather than opting to join in a group gift as most of Orochimaru's underlings usually did, Kabuto always gave his Lord a gift _personally_. Out of all the people who worked under the former Sannin, Kabuto had been looking forward to this day the most all month. Today was Valentine's Day and he was sure this year he had picked out the best gift for Orochimaru. Generally speaking Kabuto's gift _usually_ was the one that he ended up liking best but this time Kabuto was sure the gift was something he would **really** like. He couldn't wait to see the look on the man's face when he opened the gift. Even more than that, he couldn't wait to see the look on a certain other person's face when he found out what the gift was.

Walking slowly up to the master's chambers the medical nin thought about how happy the gift would make Orochimaru. Approaching the door he knocked lightly knowing the man inside would hear it and know who was there without announcing himself.

"Kabuto have you come to bring me my present?" the voice inside the room called expectantly.

"Yes, my Lord. May I come in?"

Kabuto waited for permission to enter the room and walked right up to Orochimaru who was lying on his bed comfortably. Orochimaru examined the large box like a child trying to guess what was inside before opening it. After a short time the pale man broke the ribbon and proceeded to unwrap the brightly colored package. Inside the present was a smaller rectangular black box. When he opened the second box he was surprised to find ….

" **Chocolate Sasukes**!" Orochimaru cried happily as he looked at the chocolate figures. There were three chocolate sculptures in total. Each one was about the length of his elbow to his fingertips and as wide as the length of his hand. Every piece had its own unique outfit and dyed white chocolate eyes to resemble the Sharingan. Kabuto pointed to each one individually as he described the flavors.

"Each one is solid chocolate, my Lord. This one on the left is pure bittersweet chocolate. The one in the middle is semisweet chocolate with a little red bean paste mixed in. On the right is a dark chocolate raspberry one. Are they to your liking?"

"This has to be the best chocolates I've ever been given! Not only do they **look** like Sasuke-kun right down to the eyes but the flavors reflect his _personality_ perfectly. How did you come up with the ideas for the costumes Kabuto?"

Kabuto grinned widely and mischievously. "That's the second part of the present. You'll see what I mean when you take the chocolate box out of this one."

Curious to see what Kabuto meant by the cryptic sentence Orochimaru did as was suggested. Hidden underneath the box of chocolates was an envelope. He carefully opened the envelope and out spilled photos of Sasuke in the same outfits as his chocolate minis (among others). As Orochimaru was cooing over the "cute" photos Sasuke barged into the room without knocking.

Yesterday Kabuto had informed Sasuke that he was expected to give Orochimaru a gift for Valentine's Day. He had **no** intention of giving the snake man a gift. In his mind he was _only_ there to learn from the Sannin and become stronger, **not** to please by giving him gifts on frivolous holidays. Valentine's Day back at Konoha was a nightmare for the popular boy and he thought that now that he was part of a group of criminals that would be the end of dealing with such nonsense. Since he had to do something, (Orochimaru had hinted that he wouldn't teach him a new jutsu if he didn't receive a present from the boy) Sasuke had spent the morning catching snakes that were near the lair and decided they would be good enough for a gift. After all, he was told he had to give _a_ gift **_not_ ** a _good_ gift. Now seemed like as a good a time as ever to get the whole gift giving thing over and done with.

"Here's your _damn_ gift. Now when are we going to start working on a new jutsu?" Sasuke demanded angrily not aware of what was going on.

Orochimaru had not moved to take the gift from the boy and it was becoming frustrating. Sasuke glared angrily at his new master expecting some kind of response.

"Ah, **Sasuke-kun** , for today why don't you wear _this_ outfit instead?" Orochimaru asked while gesturing at one of the pictures from Kabuto.

" _Where the Hell did you get something like that_? **What the Hell am I wearing** **?** " Sasuke shouted indignantly, not at all satisfied with the particularly high quality embarrassing shots of himself. The shock also caused him to drop his present allowing the snakes to escape from the box.

"Don't you remember modeling these outfits Sasuke-kun. Didn't you cooperate with Kabuto for these pictures? They're the ones for the chocolates models."

"What chocolate _models_? **What's going on**? Kabuto what did you do to me?"

Now Sasuke was panicking. He had no memory of dressing in those ridiculous outfits and he certainly would **not** have posed for any pictures no matter what he was wearing. _Not_ for Orochimaru or Kabuto anyway and what was this talk of chocolate models? When he finally got a glimpse of the three chocolate sculptures that resembled himself, Sasuke cursed and then stormed out of the room to hide himself for the rest of the day. This also allowed a few of the snakes to gain access to the rest of the lair which scared a few unsuspecting minions throughout the afternoon.

**This** was the moment Kabuto had been waiting for _all day_ since the Uchiha brat had started causing problems for him some time ago. This was his revenge and it just made things all that much better that Lord Orochimaru was getting enjoyment out of the "present". It didn't matter that Orochimaru was confused and Sasuke had dropped his present allowing the snakes to slither about inside the room trying to escape. Kabuto was determined to explain the whole thing **only** to Orochimaru, _eventually_. More than likely he would find that particular jutsu very interesting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next month I'll publish a White Day special as a sequel to this chapter.


	8. White and Orange (part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> White Day Special! Orochimaru has a special gift for Kabuto.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 2 will be the gift from Orochimaru to Sasuke.

_Part 1: White_

One month had passed peacefully for Kabuto who was enjoying the frequent absence of a particularly annoying underling. Knowing that his time with his Lord was less likely to include a rude, unannounced interruption from that person was very pleasing to Kabuto. The amount of work he was actually able to get done and the number of experiments he was able to accomplish had increased exponentially and the medical nin was proud of that fact. Today in particular would be a good day given it was White Day. Every year Kabuto had only expected to receive one of two things from Orochimaru as a return gift in thanks for whatever he had been given on Valentine's Day. As he was thinking about this the former Sannin walked into the lab with a large scroll Kabuto could only guess had something to do with his White Day gift.

"Kabuto since you have gone above and beyond to please me this year I have an equally good gift for you in return. I also decided to go with a two part gift but you'll have to search the compound for the second part. It shouldn't be too hard unless they've all killed each other already."

"They? You mean I get a **group** of test subjects to experiment on this year! That in itself is more than I could have hoped for and you're telling me there's more? Whatever have I done to receive such gracious gifts my Lord?"

Orochimaru smiled in such a way that any normal person would have been very creeped out, but this Kabuto we're talking about so there was no reaction.

"You know very well what you've done. And you do it so well I expect you to do it again, very soon. Until then, why don't you look what I stored inside this scroll for you?"

Kabuto reached out and took the scroll with anticipation. ' _Best White Day ever'_ , he thought silently as he released the present from the scroll.   
Then he screamed happily, "This is exactly the bodies I needed for my collection and they are better specimens than I could have gotten myself! Thank you my Lord, thank you!"

He couldn't stop himself from giving Orochimaru a giant hug. For a moment, Kabuto looked like a child on his birthday rather than a dutiful servant.

"Glad to see you're happy and you can save that kind of thanks for later. Have you seen Sasuke-kun around today? I still have to give him his present."

Kabuto pouted as he added the three perfectly white corpses to his own scroll with the rest of his collection. He didn't want to think of the little Uchiha brat today. 

"One of the others mentioned seeing him sulking near a clearing behind the hideout. Now if you'll excuse I'm going to go find the rest of my present before it's too late."

"You're sure you don't want to see the look on the boy's face when he sees the present?" Orochimaru teased, knowing full well of his servant's displeasure with the boy.

"That's alright, I'm sure you intend on telling me all about it later. If it's something he doesn't like he'll just come find me to accuse me of giving you the idea anyway."


	9. White and Orange (part2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> White Day Special! Orochimaru has a special gift for Sasuke.

 

_Part 2: Orange_

Exactly one month has passed since the Valentine's Day "incident" that sent Sasuke virtually into hiding in a fit of rage. Every day since Sasuke had seen Kabuto's gift for his new master he had been avoiding both men on a constant basis as if they had the plague or something. Needless to say most of the young nin's training had become on a mostly independent basis. In fact, Sasuke had spent so much time away from the hideout it's a miracle he wasn't discovered by Leaf Ninja and brought back to Konoha. Seriously, he even complained about his situation to the people in the local village and practically told them where the hideout was.

Regardless of that scenario and the current situation, Orochimaru went out to find Sasuke so he could give his apprentice the gift. Just to make sure the boy hadn't already run off, he checked the Uchiha's location with every minion he passed by. Apparently Sasuke hadn't finished sulking or whatever it was he was doing because he hadn't moved far from the spot where everyone thought they had seen him. Now that he had found what he was looking for Orochimaru approached the boy without caution.

"Sasuke-kun there you are. I've been looking for you."

" **What the hell do you want**?" Sasuke demanded angrily.

"You're not _still_ mad are you now?"

He had been hoping Sasuke's anger would have lessened at least a little by now. ' _It's been a month. How long does he plan on staying mad_ ,' he thought. Obviously the young man's ability to hold a grudge was being grossly underestimated. He did only join Orochimaru because it would help him with his revenge after all. There was no response from Sasuke. In fact he looked more annoyed than ever.

"You do know what today is, don't you?" Orochimaru asked curiously. He wasn't sure if the boy had lost track of the days altogether.

"Monday?" Sasuke questioned unsure of where this was going.  
" _Yes_ , but what's special about **this** Monday in particular?"

"How should I know. Is it some other annoying holiday?"

Orochimaru just giggled softly before answering. ' _Of course Sasuke-kun would find romantic holidays annoying. I guess he's still just a kid after all_.' "White Day is not an annoying holiday. It's a day to show appreciation for the gifts you receive on Valentine's Day. So this is your present."

"Why are you giving me a present? Only girls get presents on White Day and I only gave you a Valentine's present because I _had to_ , **not** because I _wanted to_. Besides, didn't the stupid things all escape?"

"If you were around more often you would know I had all of the snakes captured and put in a tank in my room. They are all accounted for and only three people died when trying to catch the poisonous ones. Whether you believe it or not, I actually liked the present, even if it can potentially kill me. Now open your present and I promise we'll start training with a new jutsu tomorrow."

Although Sasuke was still angry at the snake man, (especially because of the subject of whether or not Orochimaru considered Sasuke a girl or not was not addressed,) the temptation of learning a new jutsu was more than enough to get him to open the present. At first all he saw was a giant orange box with orange tissue paper inside and what looked like an orange colored present. He was already willing to hate the present. After his falling out with Naruto he had come to hate the color orange since it reminded him of his former friend. Thinking about this only made the shock of what was in the box intensified.

" **Is this some kind of a joke**?" Sasuke cried out after pulling the present out of the box. What looked like a doll that could be mistaken for one of Naruto's shadow clones was now on the forest floor in front of Sasuke amidst a pile of tissue paper. To make things worse it was life size.

"I thought this would help motivate you during your training. Since Kabuto once worked for a puppet master I had him help me. It can actually fight with you and is nearly indestructible so you can use it over and over again without worrying about it breaking. Sometimes it will even speak the way Naruto-kun did. I thought you could try training with it today until we can work together tomorrow."

Sasuke was too in shock to respond. He just stared at the doll on the floor and nudged it with his foot. The doll immediately called out "Believe it!" which made Sasuke jump at the sudden outburst. Orochimaru then activated the jutsu that allows the doll to act as a training partner and promptly left Sasuke alone with the creation so he could see if Kabuto ever found the rest of his present.

After a few hours of fighting with the doll Sasuke managed to get it to follow him into the hideout. Orochimaru had never explained or left instructions on how to turn the thing off so Sasuke was left frantically searching for the man with it in hot pursuit. By the time he had found Orochimaru with Kabuto he was exhausted. The doll was stopped and both men proceeded to make jokes about Naruto being too much for Sasuke, how good Naruto must be for him to be breathing so heavily, etc.

Sasuke threw a series of fits and tried to give the doll back but it was useless. Orochimaru believed it to be his way of hiding how much he would rather see the real thing, and Sasuke was too proud to admit in public. Kabuto suggested that if the doll could give him this much of a workout it would be to Sasuke's benefit to hold on to it for when no one was available to train with him. Not that it had been mentioned before but the doll could be modified to use jutsu to provide more of a challenge.

"Just pretend it's someone else if it bothers you so much" Orochimaru suggested. "No matter what, eventually it will just follow you if you try to get rid of it. You should just get used to it" Kabuto pointed out.

After some more protests (especially about the following him around aspect of the doll) Sasuke eventually gave up and took the doll with him to his room. Later that night, Orochimaru had decided to go to the boy's room to see if he had calmed down at all. Quietly he crept up to the door and opened it just a little. The light was off and there was no response so it seemed as if the young Uchiha had already fallen asleep. It didn't really surprise Orochimaru after seeing how tired he was when he last saw him. Considering if the boy really was exhausted there was little chance of him getting caught, the former Sannin stepped into the room.

He quickly lit a few candles from the nearby desk so as not to flood the room with light and wake the sleeping person. Almost as quickly he had to extinguish the candles and escape from the room. It wasn't because the boy was really awake or anything like that. Orochimaru just didn't want to wake the boy from the hysterical fit of laughter he could feel coming on. From the angle of the doll it was clear that while Sasuke was sleeping the Naruto doll had rolled off the chair it was in straight into the bed. His apprentice had unconsciously started hugging it in his sleep like it was some kind of teddy bear. Obviously if he had woken the boy up with his laughing Orochimaru would have been faced with yet another month of the boy avoiding him. However, that wasn't going to stop him from telling Kabuto what he saw. More than likely this would become a habit and the medical nin would get a chance to see this sooner or later.


	10. Sasuke Meets Chino: A Strange Encounter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sasuke centric – Sasuke bashing (you've been warned) Sasuke meets a mysterious kunoichi in the middle of nowhere and ends up frustrated and humiliated.
> 
> Time check: Sometime soon after Sasuke joined Orochimaru via the Sound Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter acts as a tie-in with part of my other fanfic (made especially for the real life Team 17 members).
> 
> The tie-in appears in the Flashback during Chapter 11 of Konoha is an Interesting Place: Chino's Story .

 

One day in one of the many of Orochimaru's lairs, the former Konoha Sannin came across a depressed looking Sasuke Uchiha.

"What's wrong Sasuke-kun? Did something happen during your training today?"

Sasuke glared at his new master. "You would know if you had tried to train me instead of sending me off for 'independent study' time."

Orochimaru gave his new student a quit your whining look. "So are you going to tell me what happened?" he hissed.

"Some strange girl made fun of me and then she wouldn't tell me about where she saw someone I think was Itachi." Sasuke replied unenthusiastically.

"That all?" Orochimaru stared in confusion. "What difference does it make. You won't see this girl again and you are NOT strong enough to take on Itachi, _yet_."

Sasuke pouted and began to protest about his odds of beating Itachi.

"Why don't you tell me exactly what happened?" Orochimaru encouraged while trying to get closer to Sasuke.

**FLASHBACK**

Instead of the 'independent study' time that had been suggested, Sasuke decided to go out on a walk. So he put on the new outfit Kabuto had laid out for him, which was a gift from Orochimaru, and headed out. As he walked along, he came across a scorched battlefield with a girl about his age unconscious in the middle of it. Sasuke poked the girl with his foot until she came to.

Without warning, and nearly scaring the boy half to death, she shot upright saying "Is it over?"

After looking around and completely ignoring Sasuke, the girl continued talking to herself. "I blacked out _again_! This makes the second time this month. How am I supposed to fill out a mission report if I wasn't awake for the mission?"

The young rogue nin didn't know what to make of this strange girl. Then she started speaking directly to him as if suddenly aware of his presence. "You didn't do this did you? _Wait_ … I should probably ask if you're a shinobi first. Still sorta out of it, ignore the babbling. Hey have you seen Taka?"

The girl pouted as Sasuke tried to process what exactly was going on here. "Who the _hell_ are you and what are you doing out here?"

"Rude. _I_ asked questions _first_ so you should answer _mine_ first." The girl replied angrily. Then she looked around wildly from her spot on the ground. " _Where the hell is Taka_? He should be here."

One Sasuke Uchiha was getting particularly frustrated. "If I answer your _stupid_ questions will you tell _me_ what you're doing here?" Sasuke said while glaring at the girl. She just nodded happily because she was getting her way and for another yet unknown reason. A loud sigh could be heard coming from the former Konoha ninja.

" _Yes_ , I'm a shinobi, _no_ , I didn't do anything, and I _don't_ know who did."

"You _really_ didn't see _anything_?" the girl cut in.

"No I didn't. _STOP interrupting me_. I was drawn here by a strange chakra signature and some equally strange weather isolated in this area. I have also  not seen your Taka."

"Not a problem. But what's with your bad attitude? You PMS-ing or something? There's pills for that now you know."

Shock bordering on horror crossed the boy's face. "I am NOT! I'm a boy, I don't get _PMS_!"

"Says the one wearing a giant purple bow and a dress." was the quick sarcastic response from the now standing girl. She was taller than Sasuke.

Sasuke didn't have a chance to respond or in any way defend himself as a hawk swooped out of the sky. Luckily, Sasuke had fast reflexes. Unluckily for him though was he couldn't escape completely unscathed. The hawk managed to get in a few pecks before being caught by the strange girl.

"Taka no! Q & A _First_ , Attack _Second_. Remember the seminar!"

"Aren't you gonna apologize?" Sasuke demanded.

"Don't hold your breath. At least that clears _something_ up."

Sasuke stared on in confusion. "Clears what up?"

"Whether or not you really are a guy. Taka only attacks _guys_ who get close to me. He has jealousy issues."

"Is it that hard to believe I'm really a guy?" Sasuke asked in total frustration.

" ** _Yes_**. You could at least admit you're  emo and _girly_."

" **I'm not** ** _EMO_**!"

As Sasuke screamed, his Sharingan activated and swirled wildly. He really wanted to hit this girl. She was almost as annoying as _Naruto_. Almost.

"Do you paint your nails too? The last time I saw someone as emo as you and with eyes like that, he had painted nails. And not just his fingernails but his toes too! I don't even do that and I'm a girl."

The girl wiggled her fingers and toes at Sasuke to emphasize her point, completely unfazed by his anger. Anger changed to shock as something the girl said suddenly clicked within Sasuke. Grabbing for the girl he demanded to know if it was his brother and where the girl had seen him. For his efforts, Sasuke earned himself another wave of pecking from Taka. When the girl had calmed the bird down she answered Sasuke.

"Brother? Guess you guys could be related. You do have the same eyes, horrible fashion, and bad attitudes." *( _Chino meets Itachi in the other story. That's the tie-in_ )*

Sasuke continued to play one of the most annoying games of 20 questions in his life. The situation only got worse, as the way things were going; it was reminding Sasuke of similar arguments he used to have with a certain blonde until he forgot who he was talking to.

"Just answer me already Naruto!"

Both the girl and the hawk tilted their heads and stared at the boy in front of them in confusion.  
"Na – ru – to?" the girl dragged out the name.  
Then she pointed to herself. "Chi – no."

Now Sasuke was confused. "Huh?"

"Me Chino, Chi-no. Not Na-ru-to." She responded in a manner similar to that of an adult talking to a small child.  
"You obviously are a little confused and of no help. I have to go …. Uhh … make up a mission report now. Bye strange emo boy!   
Good luck working on ways to convince people you're actually a shinobi."

At that moment Sasuke could not comprehend what just happened as the girl and her hawk disappeared in a puff of smoke. Only thing he could think to do now was return home.

**END FLASHBACK**

With his story completed, Sasuke waited for his master to comment. No comments came out of Orochimaru's mouth. Just laughter, lots of hissing (previously suppressed) laughter. Somewhere behind the door, Sasuke could hear loud thumping noises followed by more laughter. Apparently some of the minions had been eavesdropping and a few of them were laughing so hard they had fallen on the floor. For at least the rest of the week, Sasuke had to suffer through embarrassment after embarrassment.

Some of the male minions offered advice on how to act like a man. Some of the more effeminate men offered to help him with his sense of style. What had to be the worst for the young ninja was how the kunoichi associated with Orochimaru's group felt the need to help him embrace his inner emo. They did this by extending an invitation for Sasuke to join them every time they were going to the salon or to get makeovers.

 


	11. Pest Control Sasuke's Way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Orochimaru makes the mistake of leaving Sasuke alone on the first day of summer when a crew of tiny terrors invades the Lair. Sasuke discovers he really hates ants and launches a campaign against them.
> 
> Time check: The second summer after Sasuke joined Orochimaru.

 

Yesterday Orochimaru and Kabuto were had left the Lair, leaving Sasuke in charge until they returned. Today is the first day of summer and Sasuke hoped he could just have a nice relaxing time. Unfortunately for him this was not going to happen. This was the summer Sasuke would discover he hated ants with a fiery passion (and for a good reason).

At first everything was fine. He got up, completed his morning routine, and went down to the kitchen area to make breakfast. When he brought his dish and other things from breakfast to the sink that was when things started to go wrong. There in and around the sink was a large gathering of ants. They were crawling all over the place.

Sasuke turned on the water and drowned the ants in the sink and used a towel to squish the ones who escaped a watery demise. He then summoned a minion to inspect the kitchen and leave a sign about not leaving food or dirty dishes out where the ants could find them. Once the shinobi the Uchiha had designated to handle the problem had made sufficient progress on his chore Sasuke returned to his room. Picking a book from the shelf he decided to sit on his bed and read. But then his hand felt itchy. An ant had crawled off the book he was holding. When Sasuke went back to the book shelf he saw ants all over it so he promptly smashed them like he did the ones in the kitchen.

Now that the tiny pests were dead and the young Uchiha had left the carcasses as a warning to the rest of them, he tried to resume his reading. He didn't get very far before he felt a strange sensation on his leg. The tickling feeling was from the few ants that were walking on him. Quickly he got up and shook off the ants from his legs and sheets and stomped on them until they stopped moving. These ants were really starting to irritate him. Searching his room he found more on the windowsill, along the dresser, and even in his closet.

Leaving his room, Sasuke began to scour the Lair for any signs of ants. They were everywhere. Ants were marching along the hallways, through Kabuto's lab, on the walls, inside the bathrooms, around every doorway, and even the ceilings. Basically there were ants everywhere and Sasuke couldn't take it anymore. The pests had to die.

Having completely lost his mind, Sasuke was now running throughout the Lair screaming " **EXTERMITATE! EXTERMINATE!** " followed by wave after wave of fire jutsu and some maniacal laughter. Not only had he succeeded in burning up the ants, Sasuke undoubtedly set sections of the Lair on fire as well. Some minions were running for their lives while others tried to control the blaze. After a few hours everything was back under control and the Lair was being inspected for structural damage, things that could be salvaged, and dead or dying people inside.

About this time was when Orochimaru and Kabuto returned.

"Kabuto is it just me or does the Lair look like it is in a drastically different state from how we left it yesterday?"

"No, my Lord. It is most definitely different. Very different and …. Burnt?"

When the returning shinobi tried to figure out just what the hell happened while they were gone the answer was not what Orochimaru and Kabuto expected. Apparently Sasuke got it into his head that the ants were sent by Konoha as some kind of attack or scouting party. According to the minions Sasuke claimed the scenario had Aburame written all over it but he could neither confirm nor deny for sure if the Aburame's could control ants or just beetles. Rather than depend on the testimony of unreliable minions, the former Konoha Sanin decide to ask Sasuke for his reasoning directly.

"Sasuke-kun?"

"What?"

"Why did you set the Lair on fire?"

"Because the ants had to die."

"And you couldn't think of a better way than arson? The Lair is a wreck and we lost 20 people."

"It was the most effective method and it was worth it."

"Sasuke I'm not leaving in you charge for a while."

"Fine with me."

Orochimaru then walked over to Kabuto knowing his conversation with Sasuke could have gone better.

"Since the Lair is in shambles I've taken the liberty of drawing up a list of nearby locations we could move to temporarily during the reconstruction. If you would look it over I can inform the others of your selection."

"When we get to the new Lair remind me we need to draw up some fire drill procedures, OK Kabuto?"

"Yes my Lord, of course. It will be top priority."

Later on it was discovered that the Lair had been constructed on top of a massive ant colony. Since the construction happened during the cold weather months nobody knew they were there because they were hibernating or something. Sasuke insists it was Aburame sanctioned attack to this day regardless of the evidence to disprove the theory.


	12. Orochimaru's Announcement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a sequel to the chapter Who's Your Daddy.
> 
> Summary: Orochimaru holds a staff meeting so he can make a very important announcement complete with a presentation and visual aides.
> 
> Time check: The evening of the same day as Chapter one. Occurs sometime during the timeskip between the original Naruto episodes and the beginning of Shippuden.

 

"Hey did you hear the announcement?" one older minion asked another younger one.

"About the staff meeting? Yeah I heard. Is it mandatory?", the male minion responded.

"I don't think so but I heard it called a press conference, not a staff meeting," a female minion added.

"What's a press conference?" the second asked the third.

"No clue. Maybe it's a special kind of staff meeting?" the woman offered.

"Who cares, I heard Lord Orochimaru has a big announcement and I heard from one of Kabuto-san's aides it's going to be something we'll want to hear," the older male stated.

"Then what are we waiting for? It's almost time for whatever this is to start. I hope it's something gossip worthy," the woman practically squealed with delight.

"Women," the younger male said as he sighed and shook his head.

A majority of the minions had assembled in a large underground room deep within the current Lair of Orochimaru's choosing. A temporary stage was constructed in the front of the room and looked rather thrown together and possible of breaking any minute. Off to one side was a giant easel covered with a sheet and in the center was a hastily put together podium of sorts. Orochimaru and Kabuto were the only ones on the stage as Sasuke was sulking in a corner. Sasuke didn't want to be at this meeting, conference, whatever. He wanted to be out training but his new sensei insisted he be there if he wanted to learn a new jutsu as a reward.

Kabuto gave the sign for everyone to quiet down and Orochimaru walked up to the podium.

"I'm sure you are all wondering why I was called this gathering at such short notice. I have noticed some of you have been arguing a lot about something and I'm going to set the record straight once and for all. Kabuto and I have discussed this matter at length and have created this visual aid to help."

At this prompt Kabuto pulled the sheet off the easel. Tacked on to the easel were two charts with hand done writing. The first chart said Daddy traits as the heading with the second being Mommy traits. Each chart had a list of traits then two columns, one for Orochimaru and one for Kabuto. Someone had placed a checkmark under the name of who exhibited the trait on each row. At the bottom of each chart was a box labeled total and one of the names with a big circle around it.

The minions could barely keep from laughing while Sasuke's face went white as Orochimaru's skin. Orochimaru gestured at the two charts, cleared his through and spoke again.

"So as you can see here, despite Kabuto wearing the pants and I wear things similar to dress I am in fact Daddy. So now you can stop arguing about it and go back to work. See Sasuke everything is alright now."

" **Like** _ **Hell**_ **it is**!" Sasuke screamed in an embarrassed rage.

From that day on all the minions made Daddy and Mommy jokes at Sasuke's expensive.  
(Just not in front of him for obvious survival reasons.)

 

**Author's Note:**

> Author's Note: I'm willing to take suggestions for other events that could be featured in possible later chapters.


End file.
